Enterprise-grade hardware. (The "enterprise" is Gerald the Pi.)
🍓
Processor
1.8 GHz
Raspberry Pi 4 quad-core. Named Gerald. Doing his best.
🧠
RAM
4 GB
Split between your site and Gerald's Minecraft server.
📡
Bandwidth
12 Mbps
Shared household internet. Slower during Netflix hours.
🌡️
Cooling
Passive+
Amazon fan + attic heat sink. Bad in summer.
🔌
Power
UPS*
*Uncle Pete's Surge-protector. It beeps. We ignore it.
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Location
The Attic
North wall. Next to holiday decorations and VHS tapes.
🤔 Frequently Asked Questions
Real questions from imaginary customers.
Is my data safe?
Absolutely. We have a padlock on the attic hatch and Gerald has a strong password ("raspberry"). We can't tell you what it is, for security.
What happens during a squirrel incident?
We dispatch Steve immediately. Steve is scared of squirrels. Response time varies. Attic Elite includes 48hr SLA for squirrel removal.
Can I send Dogecoin instead of gold?
Steve thinks crypto is cool but we have no way to access a digital wallet from the attic. Please send physical gold only. Or jam.
Why is my site slow at 8PM?
That's when we stream Jeopardy! in HD. We've asked the family to be mindful of bandwidth. They are not mindful.
Do you offer refunds?
We cannot un-eat the eggs. Gold coins returned minus 3% handling fee. Pokémon cards are final sale.
What is your data center tier rating?
Tier -1. We invented this tier. The server is physically touching a box of Christmas ornaments.
📬
Contact Grandma's Team
Got a question? A complaint? Trying to negotiate in chickens? Fill this out and it beams straight to our Discord. Steve checks it. Sometimes.
Sends live to Discord
🌱 Seedling
⚙️ Goldminer
🏆 Attic Elite
🤷 Just browsing
🎉
Message delivered to the attic!
Steve has been notified via Discord. He'll respond within 3–5 business squirrels. Grandma is writing your confirmation card.
📡 AtticHost Status
Live from the attic. Updated whenever Steve remembers.
⚠️ Degraded Performance — 1 active incidentGerald is back up, but he is running on an extension cord from the bathroom.
🐶 Power outage: dog chewed through the server power cord
Today · Affects: all hosted sites · Current status: Monitoring
Monitoring
Power is restored. Gerald is back online using an orange extension cord run up from the bathroom, so please do not use the hair dryer. A replacement cord has been ordered and all remaining cords have been moved to shelf height, out of dog range.
Identified
Root cause found. Biscuit, one of the family's two pet dogs, chewed through Gerald's power cord behind the box of holiday decorations. Biscuit is completely fine. The cord is not. Waffles (the other dog) has been cleared of all charges.
Investigating
All hosted sites are offline. Gerald is not responding and his little red light is off. Steve is climbing the attic ladder now.
Systems
Gerald (main server)Raspberry Pi 4 · running on the bathroom extension cord
Degraded
Server power cordReplacement arrives in 3–5 business days
Chewed
Backup PiThe one next to the fish tank
Operational
Attic WiFi12 Mbps on a good day
Operational
Cooling fanSometimes works. Today it works.
Operational
Contact formStill beaming to Discord
Operational
Biscuit (dog)No remorse detected
Under supervision
Uptime — last 60 days
60 days agoToday97.2% uptime*
*Not counting today. Today doesn't count.
Past incidents
No other incidents on record. We have a strict policy of only writing down one incident at a time.
🍓 AtticHost Admin — Visitor Counter
Hidden from public. Steve only. (And you, apparently.)